LakeLopezonline

It’s time again to address the Dream Eaters, the people you know who blurt idiotic statements such as, “If you’re going to be a writer you better have a good job,” or, “It’s impossible to get published these days.” (The first post on this ubiquitous villain is here.)

The Dream Eaters feed not only upon Writers, but every Extremely Creative Person’s (ECP) passions. If you propose a new business idea to a Dream Eater it will look you dead in the eyes and say, “That’ll never work.” The Dream Eaters would’ve told Henry Ford that the assembly line was a bad idea. Likewise, they  would’ve shook their little heads at John Steinbeck and suggested he apply for a position in retail. They resemble the ghouls in the below picture:

The Dream Eaters aren’t all evil. I hold true that some of them are, in fact, mentored by the devil. However, some of them are very nice people. They may even be – GASP – within our circle of family and friends. As we learn how to write fiction we must simply get used to dealing with them. I’ll be honest with you. Until recently, I knew of only one Dream Eater Defense Tactic. It was:

Bash them with my guitar.

It worked. But I don’t recommend that you try it. For one, doing so might damage your guitar. I play Stratocasters and a Hag. Both brands can be used as weapons and remain in tune. I also play Blues, so my guitars end up looking like crap anyway. But for the serious virtuoso guitarist who needs a pristine instrument, this is not a viable option. Two, you will face criminal prosecution. Jail sucks and is not conducive to creativity. (Don’t ask me how I know.) Three, if the Dream Eater being bashed is a friend of family member this incident will follow you for years; and you’ll end up being the bad guy. Finally, not everyone plays guitar. Some people play piano. If you play piano you should avoid bashing people with your instrument – period. So, below are some easy Dream Eater Defense Tactics that do not risk incarceration.

1. Squirt them with holy water. Believe it or not, holy water not only stuns vampires and demons, but startles a Dream Eater back to courteous politeness. Don’t aim for the eyes. You could knock a contact lens out and end up with a bill. Rather, shoot for the groin.
2. Stare into space for at least a minute, then scream a long sentence full of profanity. The sentence doesn’t have to make sense, but you must include the F-bomb. Try to include it at least four time. Follow your profanity ridden shrieking with, “I see now that you’re right. Can you loan me some money to take a class and have my resume spruced up?” If the Dream Eater really believe you need a “real job” or “formal schooling” he’ll have to fork it over. You can then use his cash to buy a new laptop, cool pens and a sweet journal.
3. While the Dream Eater is in mid rant, assume a serene expression and touch your left pinky to the tip of your nose. Tell the Dream Eater, “You can’t see me now, I’m invisible.” If you use this one often enough it will convince the Dream Eater that you’re too unstable for any job not related to artistic expression. Once convinced, they’ll become afraid that they’ll have to support you financially until you die. This will encourage them to support your creative career as the lesser of two evils.
4. Make direct eye contact and say, “I’d know better if I’d had a good role model when I was little…” Then widen your eyes and ask, “Will you be my role model now? Will you? I can live with you and absorb all of your wisdom! I’ll go to work with you every day and when we come home we’ll figure out how I can be just like you. It’ll be like a re-do for childhood. Won’t it be fun?”
5. Apply for a dangerous job such as high rise window cleaner or Ninja assassin. On your first work day, get hurt – BAD. Made sure the injury involves a cast, blood loss and lots of bandages. Tell the Dream Eater in your saddest voice, “It would have never happened had I been writing.” This is passive-aggressive behavior, yes; but fun.

Dream Eater Defense Tactics six through ten are coming soon. In the mean time, stay brave and write well.

(Note: I am not responsible if you attempt guitar bashing as a defense tactic. Seriously, don’t hit people. Violence is bad. It shows poor taste and never looks good on anybody.)